Hold onto your hats, ladies & gents. Because the sheer ubiquity of spiders is staggering.
We interrupt this dumpster fire that is the United States of America in 2017 to bring you what is probably the most horrifying news in the history of ever.
The Washington Post has tolled midnight on the Doomsday Clock with a headline reading “Spiders Could Theoretically Eat Every Human on Earth in One Year."
EVERYBODY PANIC!!!!! The spider apocalypse is nigh!!!!!!!!!
The information in the article has successfully distracted me from everything else I’ve read today including information about education cuts the Trump administration wants to see, the fact that the White House is trying to block pertinent testimony from former Acting Attorney General Sally Yates, and the hilarious picture of Sean Spicer with food stuck on his teeth.
If you don’t treat reporters nicely, Spicey, they won’t tell you about spinach in your teeth until after they take the picture.
But really, none of this matters because scientists have been studying the population destiny of spiders and they are everywhere. One study estimates global average spider density stands at about 131 spiders per square meter. Some areas may have as many as 1,000 spiders per square meter. YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THE SPIDERS! I CANNOT ESCAPE THE SPIDERS! I HATE SPIDERS!
To make matters even worse, spiders are voracious eaters, each one consuming ten percent of its body weight in a day. That means that in a year, spiders eat about 400-800 million tons of prey. The article then tells me that there are 278 tons of humans on the planet, so the spiders could eat us and still have room for dessert.
Sure, the scientists want us to believe that humans aren’t spider prey and there isn't a spider uprising coming where they all start to eat us in our beds. They even want us to think that spiders are the good guys because they eat mosquitos and other pests. Ha. Lulling us into a false sense of spider complacency. Now, if you need me, I am going to start building a spider-proof bunker. You’re all welcome to join me before the spiders eat us.
